Now daz what i feel

A LETTER TO LIFE

2012-01-09T03:58:00.001-08:00

Life you amaze me each time

Life you astound me often

You have taught me to learn and live

You have given me numerous pain

Life, I knew you were beautiful

Heard you were full of perks

But when I looked closely enough

I found you to be a big time ‘Jerk’

Life, I don’t blame you totally

Luck and you go hand in hand

But why each time you royally screw me

Is the only thing I don’t understand

Life you are amazing to many

You bring smiles on faces

But with me you’ve been quite fickle

And for that I’ll give you no praises

Life, you exercise full control over me

You steer me left and right

You give me the illusion of a jolly good day

When in real, it’s a jet black night

You’ve played games with me, brought love with you

This time you got me once more

But next time be a little more careful

Coz, it’s you who’ve changed me from before

Next time you try something funny

And you have my word

I’ll finish your very existence there

So stop being a ‘Nerd’ !

A GIRL'S CRY ...dedicated to all those women who has been ditched in life by the person she thought ,loved her the most

2011-05-14T06:17:00.000-07:00

When u told me that you loved me no more
My senses went numb,blood gushed to my head
Thoughts jumbled in my mind like noodles in a bowl
I couldn't think straight ;and I wish I was dead
I could feel nothing solid under my feet
Darkness shrouded my vision ,
My eyes were dry,coz they had cried their bit
I felt belrayed by all , my body was my prison .
My heart wouldnt beat the way it did
My lips wouldn't curve into a smile
My face wouldn't glow, my cheeks wouldn't blush
And i thought, they were my own all this while.
I welcomed each day with a grieving heart,
Devicing plans of winning you back
Just not able to make a new start ,
I lived in my past losing time's track.
I walked like a corpse,looked like one too -
Oblivious to the gossips and stares ,
Avoided friends for fear of being questioned -
The answer to which I myself couldn't yet bear...

Everything around me turned a strange grey
I found beauty in nothhing, found love in none.
Couples made me jealous, happiness made me sad
Friends and family thought I was probably going mad.
They tried to cheer me in every possible way
By keeping your memories far at bay ,
But i wouldnt't revive , I wouldnt budge
The hole in my heart was now getting filled with grudge,
But this wasn't me I knew it very well ,
This feeling was alien too , and I hated it like hell ,
It followed me like my shadow ,crept into my dreams at night
It wouldn't let me be , no matter how much I fight
I wanted you to come and see ,
What in the world you had done to me
But you were happy in your own Merryland ,
But there's one thing, I wanted you to understand
That this is a phase , and it shall pass too
And I shall rise again
But I want to thank you from the core of my heart ,
for inflicting so much pain -
Coz, It made me stronger and embossed in my mind
"Do whatever you do but , never love a man again !"

FINAL DESTINATION

2010-07-19T10:52:00.000-07:00

When I had watched the movie , Final Destination , I booed it and asked all my friends not to waste money and their time on that C-grade movie. It was crappy with this weird concept of death being planned for everyone beforehand, and if it's destined, nothing can save you.And if you are not meant to die, you will just keep on living.

But yesterday , an event in my life, made me think twice on the concept on which the movie was made. Yesterday, my aunt and I was supposed to visit a relative, who lives in the suburbs. The place is pretty far from the city and almost 2 hours drive on the highway.

My dad didn't want to go from the very beginning. Just as we were about to leave, dad decided to go , as he was not sure if we could find the house. My aunt had hired a driver. While going , he drove pretty fast, and we reached earlier than usual .

After spending the noon there, we started for home. After a nice , sumptuous lunch , me and my aunt were deep asleep at the rear seat of the car. Dad sat in front, and asked the driver to drive slowly as we were in no hurry.

I was almost dreaming, with the cool breeze washing away all my stress out of my mind.Suddenly, I heard dad shout at the top of his voice, there was a screeching noise of the wheels and the car sped its way towards the left lane. I instantly thought that , it must have hit someone.

My dad was trembling and there was beads of sweat on his forehead.Could not figure out anything of what happened. Then after pulling over the car, my dad said that the driver had dozed off to sleep while he was driving . He was about to hit the divider at full speed. My dad sensed it beforehand and turned the steering wheel towards left . The tires were damaged , and the balance of the car was almost lost. The entire way , the car had to be driven at a speed of 40km/hr.

I was thinking then , if dad wouldn't have come, things would still have been the same. Aunt and me would have had slept away to glory , the driver would have dozed off on the wheels and eventually would have put us to sleep for eternity.

What do you call this ? Telepathy, Sixth sense or simply Destiny ?

I am still having goosebumps while I'm penning this down.Escaped death by a fraction of a nano-second may be .Wouldn't have been able to share this , had dad not decided to join us for the trip.

JUST ANOTHER DAY

2010-07-16T06:57:00.000-07:00

I am really really really sad ; Sad with a capital S.

Today was my guy's birthday. He's miles away from me , sitting in Melbourne , cooking himself a Birthday Special Dinner . And here I am slogging the entire day , taking KT from my senior, attending client meetings and cribbing in the hearts of heart for not being able to spend some time with him(virtually on Skype).

Yesterday , i rushed back from office by 7.30 pm , so that I could at least wish him BANG on midnight .. (my 7:30 PM is his 12.:00 AM) .. That's the least I could do on his birth day . he has sent me a camera (Canon) from Australia, through a colleague. But I couldn't send him anything for his birthday....

He didn't want me to burden that guy with gifts .Strange ! He could do it , himself..

So all in all , I am frustrated, angry and sad .... All of a sudden I'm having this feeling that I am being deprived of all the good and happy things in life. I dont have a boyfriend to hang around with (I mean he's not physically present). All my friends are getting married , going on their honeymoons and posting flashy , romantic pics on FB and Orkut .I don't see my wedding in the near future , which means no honeymoons obviously ....

And here I am sitting at office on a friday evening at 7.30 PM ,blogging all my frustrations and bitterness for many more losers like me to go through ...

So if any of you guys think that there's something that you can do do make me smile, please post nice , good comments ...

NO CRITICISM PLEASE........

PAGES FROM MY DIARY

2010-07-05T09:04:00.000-07:00

No more romantic poems this time ... Just a page from my diary.

I had been to Mondarmoni this weekend. It was quite a refreshing trip . After 2 hectic months , it was like a supply of oxygen to my otherwise de-oxidised self.

Initially I was not in a mood to go for this trip because of many reasons .Firstly i knew no one from the group other than a friend of mine , who actually insisted me to go.Secondly , this month I was sort of having a financial crunch. And thirdly , I would miss my guy big time as this was the place we had come together, a year back.So , adding up all the reasons , I was really really not ready to go.

But this friend of mine is getting married this year , and she had never been on such a trip ever. She wanted me to come along , as her family would allow her to go , only on this condition .
After listening to her helpless pleadings , I couldn't actually refuse her. That's 'ME' - silly , emotional and 'stupid'.

Had any one (even the friend of mine)been in my position , he/she would have definitely backed out.
So , on Saturday morning , packed my bag , and left for this one night trip to the sea with 10 odd people.

Now lets come to the main attraction - 'Our Journey'

We had booked an AC bus for the trip, which was supposed to depart at 7.30 Am sharp.So as decided , we reached the terminus long before 7.30. But there was no sign of the bus.We kept running here and there , looking out for the right bus , till it started pouring like hell. The sky was pitch black and it just rained and rained. We took shelter at a tea shop, and our only protection from the rain was a platic sheet covering tthe shop. 11 of us crammed into that small place and then a man arrived with a huge goat. It had a chain aroung its neck and it was the size of a German Shepherd ...(not exxagerating a bit).

Anyway , our bus arrived after 8.30 .. and we had to actually step into the ultimate dirty water logging , in order to board it. I was regretting my decision all through , trust me. I was cursing myself , for having shown mercy on my friend.And then , finally, having got our seats, we all relaxed. Drenched, hungry,frustrated, angry,alienated from 10 others, I was missing home big time.But , I convinced myself that things won't be that bad.

No sooner had the bus started, than it broke down. We had not even crossed 2nd Hooghly Bridge, and we were stranded . The AC was turned off .. And there was a mixed odour of sweat, soaked socks,cakes,perfume,petrol inside the vessel. After enquring into the matter , got to know , that the silencer of the bus had given way. The driver and his helper fixed it in some time and then the whole way the bus went making a terrible noise , attracting abusive people all the way.

Finally , we reached Mondarmoni , and as expected we were late. The high tide was on the rise and the car carrying us from the terminus to the hotel had to wait for the water to subside. All of us got down from the car.. the sea was calling us . We girls , soaked our feet into the water. Had just started liking the trip , when everybody shouted from behind.
I looked back , and there were my slippers being carried away by the waves ...." Oh Fish ! What was wrong ?", i thought.
But the waves again brought back my slippers, one of them torn from the sides.
Exactly what I wanted !

The rest of the day was ok. Had a huge lunch.. Almost filled myself up till my lungs with food.... I was super hungry.The room was pretty good. Had a sea view and a pretty strong AC. That made me happy.Then at night , we started watching the World Cup - ARGENTINA VS GERMANY... I was supporting the former ..
And by now you must have understoond what followed.

Went to bed almost immediately after the 4th goal by Germany.Next day woke up pretty late . Breakfast was free and as usual I hogged . Food acted like my mood enhancer . And then started our journey homewards.
Had to have our lunch at a completely third-class resturant. But , no complaints... We were in a hurry to catch our bus.
The bus was AC and our seats were all scattered and uncomfortable.All the seats inclined back except mine...

"Perfect!", I thought again ...

IF ONLY

2010-06-18T00:22:00.000-07:00

If only you were here, my love

If only you were here -
I would fight through all the battles

And would embrace death without fear.

If only the world had known, my love

If only the world had known -

That tender fruits have grown out of -

The seeds of love we had sown.

If only you'd hold me tight, my love

If only you'd hold me tight -

I would never let you go anywhere

Would capture you in my sight.

If only we were together, my love

If only we were together -

This heaviness pressing upon my heart

Would seem lighter than a feather.

If only I could die, my love

If only I could die -

None could snatch you away from me

I would never have to say 'Good Bye'.

VOICE OF A PISSED OFF MIND

2010-06-14T10:07:00.001-07:00

I woke up today with a heavy heart,

Something was wrong within –

It ached to breathe, it ached to move

And I simply didn’t feel like living

The weather outside is too romantic,

And I’m on my way to office.

The pain inside is getting stronger

I guess it’s you whom I’m missing.

3 long months it has been,

3 long months, since you’ve been gone;

3 long months, since I’ve held you close

3 long months, since I’ve had some fun.

You are enjoying a Bar-B-Q there,

With all the wine and chicken;

It’s me, who’s thinking of you every minute,

Having bouts of depression quite often.

I want to stay where you are

Enough of this long distance crap

I’m sad and sobbing and whining and cribbing,

Cuz I’m pissed off with this geographical gap.

Do you even think of me once?

While you’re having fun?

You’ll marry me next year; There’s nothing I wanna hear;

It’s an order! All said and done …

AND THEIR WEAPON WAS LOVE .....

2010-06-12T22:14:00.000-07:00

This blog of mine, I dedicate to one of my best friends, ROHIT and his wife SONALI , for their victory over hatred,cast ,creed ,colour , religion and all the other things made by human which overshadow the only blessing of God - Love.

The story started a couple of years back when my friend Rohit , after graduating with a B-Tech degree, still had some time left for joining the IT company. Out of boredom, he joined a BPO. He was pretty distressed and upset then , as he had recently come out of a long relation which didn't work out. There at the BPO, he met this shy, sobre, pretty much a foil to him, north Kolkata girl - Sonali .They became friends , and like every other destined love stories, they too fell in love.

Rohit was happy. He called me up to tell me that he loved her, which I already knew. Both of them were very happy. But, one fine day , Sonali came to know(may be Rohit told her , i don't remember) that Rohit was a Christian and hell broke lose. Rohit had no intentions of hiding his religion , but he didn't feel that it was such a big thing anyway, to mention .. I mean nobody introduces oneself like " Hi , I am Rohit and I'm a christian".

Both of them were thinking of marriage , but Sonali knew that her family would have problems with the religion issue. And she was right. The two families grew violent. Sonali was asked not to keep in touch with Rohit . Sonli's family thought of getting her married somewhere else. But they kept loving each other.

Finally , one day Sonali's parents gave in to her determination and spoke to Rohit's family about their marriage. Everything was fine , but neither of the families wanted to compromise on their religious rituals. The bride's family wanted a proper Hindu wedding , but the groom's family opposed to that. They didn't want their son to chant Hindu mantras. There was a huge chaos over all this. Tears, rage , grief became a constant in the relation. Sonali came over to my place and cried out to me. Rohit was angry too, but he couldn't go against his church. It was a mess.

But amidst all this mess, one thing survived like a silent prayer on their lips. It was their Love . It was the blessing of God that survived in their hearts , although their families fought about their GODS. True love is said to have healing powers, and it did heal the warped minds of the two families. Sometimes silence is louder than a chorus. And Rohit and Sonali's silence shouted out their love for each other.

Last week , they tied the knot. It was nothing less than a bollywood movie. But I am genuinely happy for both of them. All I can say is - GOD BLESS THEM.

Pre-Loneliness

2010-03-25T09:45:00.001-07:00

I am getting overwhelmed by this feeling of pre-loneliness. I can’t really imagine my life without my boyfriend now. For the past 2 years , we have always been together. I have got so used to being together, that I cant simply imagine how life's going to be when he will be gone. In few days , he will be in a totally different continent .. We shall be separated by 5.5 hours. ISD calls and time management to get in touch with him at some convenient overlapping time will become my daily routine.

I always thought that I wont make my life revolve around his . In a nutshell, I didn't want to live a boyfriend centric life. Wanted to have my own circle, so that at times such as this, I don't feel lonely and lost … But at the end of the day , I am feeling lonely despite the fact that I have been able to create a very non boyfriend centric life for myself.
This “What will I do when he shall be gone" phase is pathetic. I know, that after feeling upset and “I cant live without him” for a few days, I will sort things out and carry on with my life. Today he got his Visa and completed his packing. I wish I could go with him to Melbourne … Enjoy Australia with him. But that's not possible and I have to be satisfied with the fact that my boyfriend's on-site trip is somewhat equivalent to my own …Seeing through his eyes kind- though it sucks !(Esteem wise,though I would have loved to go on a trip myself)

His office is pretty close to mine , so we have lunch together for the last 2 years now(Long time, you see to get addicted to something). And now, everyday at lunch time, I know, I am going to have this feeling - “This is the place we used to hog and these are the dishes he used to love and blah blah blah” .. And actually I might even skip lunch for the first few days when I'll be at the pioneering heights of “Oh! I am missing my boyfriend phase”.

U must be thinking (actually I'm thinking myself , what exactly am I trying to say?)... Well, to be precise I am trying to say that I will miss that idiot big time when he wont be here. I will miss everything about him... His sick jokes which only I could laugh on,his terrible fashion sense at times, when he would be too lazy to dig into his wardrobe, his attitude and mood swings which at times makes me think twice on my decision of spending the rest of my life with him,his road rage while he is driving, his extreme laziness which irritates me all the time... So u see, there are so many things that I actually don't like about him(I have mentioned only few).

But now, when it's time for him to say goodbye, I realize that these are exactly the things that I love about him. I like to laugh at his jokes, as it makes him look funny. I like correcting him all the time- his hair, his over or under tucked shirt , his collars- and always try to make him look better. I like taking care of these minute details, which he probably intentionally overlooks. I like nagging him to take me out; and when he finally gives in , it makes me feel so special and cared for. Had it not been for all these and many more which I cant recollect now, our relation would have been so bland and monotonous. There's always this newness in our relation which comes with the differences we face as two completely different people.

Yesterday I didn't have much to do at office... And I penned down this poem for him... And after reading it, he said “Ya,it's OK”.. I was waiting for a “Wow ! Excellent Baby ! ” But that's what ! Any other guy would have said that... But he didn't. But I know that he liked it. I know it from the way he said “Ya,OK”. That's the mystery in our relationship which I am going to miss.That "dig out from my expression" game which we play all the time. A curiosity to know what will happen next actually gives the relation its zing, a boost to move forward in this world, where in every 1 second some million or perhaps zillion hearts break. Otherwise , it would have been this platonic kind where boy knows the girl, the girl knows the boy, and there's hardly anything new to explore at least for half your life.

OK, vented out enough. I know that I shall make more entries once he leaves as I'll lose a pair of ears to speak to … Oh! Since I mentioned my poem I'll post it here...

Please appreciate it … I need it . U can by now have understood that my life has dearth of true appreciation.
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Miss You
The days will be the same and the nights as well,
Once you shall be gone
But there's one little thing that will change a bit,
But it will be visible to none.

That little thing is right within me
That beats to your name each day
That loses its hue when you are sad
And turns crimson when you are gay

That little thing will weep silently
When you will say goodbye
But that silly confused thing will also be happy
As you go to make something big outta your life

It will wait for you to come back
And until that fateful day
I swear to protect that little thing
As it's yours anyway

Though that little thing will miss you badly
It will be happy to think this way
That somewhere in some other part of the world
You are thinking about it, the same way

That little thing is my silly heart
That starts at the sound of your name
It is completely under your spell now
And you're the one to be blamed

You have showered so much love on it
As no one else has ever done before,
That it just wants to stay close to your heart
And from you it wants absolutely nothing more...

I WILL MISS YOU ......

LACKING IDEAS

2010-03-04T07:08:00.000-08:00

I am sitting idle in office and have absolutely nothing to do . I have not been able to make any entries here for the last couple of months , as after reaching home , I hardly have any energy left for blogging . But , trust me I feel like doing it all the same.

Well , all this time I was thinking of what to write on ; and came to the conclusion that in these 2 months, nothing striking has happened in my life . And I am not a ‘writer ‘ – which means that I cannot pen down just anything . I need some real good stimuli to write . It might be a heart break , a happy event , something socially disturbing etc etc … But it has to move me in some form or the other .

So I was just leafing through the pages of my brain-diary and found that for approx 2 months nothing of this sort has actually happened in my life … I have just been breathing like a machine .When I told this to a friend of mine who blogs as well, she was shocked ! She raised her eyebrows and had this expression as if I was either some nerd , who was in no way in connection with the outer world, or just too ignorant to all that which I am not a part of.

She told me that I could have written about saving the tigers , the Pune Blast, the budget and so many other issues that I am indirectly a part of. Am I ? Don’t know …. Since I was running short of time , I took her advice and left a G-Buzz “ Save the tigers “ … To which one of my friends from ”THE IIM” very politely commented –

“while I do appreciate the sentiments involved, I am unclear about my role in the bigger scheme of things. Well if I could save tigers by simply tweeting or buzzing, then I would surely have done so. Most of us, i suppose, dont have the competence to treat animals. As far as donating clothes are concerned, there are several destitute on the kolkata streets and, to be honest, i'd rather donate clothes or money to them than tigers. There is already enough voices raised against poaching. So simply shouting "do not poach, do not poach" would in no way change things. I feel this entire thing either is badly misdirected at the wrong target audience or is simply a marketing gimmick. And once again, no offense meant.”

Well , I think that he was right .. What can a blog or a badge in ur bag from Aircel do to save tigers … How many effing poachers will actually read them and even if any chance upon one, will they care ?So I dumped that idea. Then I thought of writing about the Pune Blast …. What could I say which has already not been said ? And it’s done … People have died. The mother****s have achieved what they had to and we are moving on …So , there's no point in writing on that issue as well .. But yeah ! I prayed for the ones who died and didn’t even know what they were dying for . I also wish that these demented people who are on this killing spree get their balls infested with fleas and lose their hands at the same time (or something worse than this . But I don’t want them to die straight away ; that should not be their punishment). I hope God’s listening.

And as far as the budget is concerned , I don’t understand much of it … Only thing I understood , was that from this year females will get tax exemption up to 1.9k . Me Happy J It meant less of investing .So now, I am back to square one thinking of what to write !@$$%%

People reading this blog of mine , please comment and leave some ideas so that I can come up with many more blogs in the near future.

Till then – CYA !

ELIXIR OF MY LIFE

2009-12-02T09:39:00.000-08:00

I can breathe now.

It's me alone who knows the trauma that I had to endure for the past 10 months.The very fact that I was financially dependent on my dad and my boyfriend made me feel like a cripple.

I just enjoy that fact that I am working. At times I don't enjoy the work I have been assigned to.But the fact that I am working is like a driving force - my 2nd oxygen one can say. And finally , now I know what makes me the happiest - it's work and independence.

I like this corporate culture. I like this coming to office regularly,logging into a machine, waiting for the lunch hour, meeting up with friends, discussing work with seniors and then at the end of the day, going back home.This probably will never ever become monotonous for me , because I have understood the worth of it's absence in my life. I used to meet people , hardly eligible for any service, but they were there making money. And somewhere down, in some dark, secluded corner of my heart and mind , I used to suffer from this excruciating pain.Whenever I used to spot them, i used to avoid then intentionally . I used to avoid facing their innumerable questions, used to shun their pitiful eyes.

Though, it was no fault of mine , I couldn't stop blaming myself for having lost my previous job. Today, after getting my hands on the system, dealing with the official documents, accessing the official mails - I simple felt alive once more.

In this course of 10 months, different people suggested me different things. Few people suggested me to take tuition , which I did and that was a saviour. It helped me take care of my credit card bills.Thanks to them . Few people advised me to get married, as they considered me unfit for work. I hope they must have got their answer by now. Few warned me of the global economic condition, and that it was quite unlikely for me to bag a job in this market with just an experience of 2 years. But, I knew that I had to be patient. All my learning, my degree, my education just couldn't go wasted. And here I am , enjoying the fruits of my patience.

Earlier I used to feel suffocated , but now I can breathe freely. I can smell the air fresheners which almost chokes me in the enclosed office.I can hear the coffee vending machine beeping at a distant corner, as someone fills a cuppa. I can hear people typing on their key-boards, and trust me it's music to me now.

WOW ! this feeling is simply awesome. It's inexpressible.

Everyday, I reach home , dog tired. But, earlier I used to stay back home all day, but at the end of the day would be a vegetable, devoid of any will and energy to carry on. But now, in spite of all the tiredness, I feel full of energy as I am mentally contented and happy.

I have realized one thing - WORK IS THE ELIXIR OF MY LIFE. IT'S THE ONLY THING THAT WILL KEEP ME GOING.

MY FIRST DAY AT OFFICE

2009-12-02T08:53:00.000-08:00

I joined on the 23rd of Nov.It's strange that I came back to the same place, in the same building- just a different organization.

The first two days were spent in induction .We had to give introductions to 100 odd people.And then on the third day, I was allotted to my project - British Telecom. I have to work on Datawarehousing , the technology I was so longing to learn. And luckily I got the opportunity.

I am completely new here and feeling somewhat out of place. Met this girl who has joined as a psychologist. She's good , in fact great company. She looks good too.(Attention :- My male friends, she's married).

Presently I have no work . I have been given my system . And thankfully a mail id . I am at present mailing all my friends my new id . Internet is a taboo here it seems. Only Google is allowed and that too on special request. The seniors have given me few EXCEL sheets which I am not being able to make any sense of.

So, basically , right now I'm getting a bit bored.

Well, that's all from my first day's experience.

WISH ME LUCK !

Kolkata Winters

2009-11-30T06:13:00.000-08:00

Winter is here in Kolkata - FINALLY ! Although it still hasn't come with its usual sting ,but welcome anyway.

Winter in Kolkata has a definite definition , I feel. It is synonymous to innumerable things that make winter so special for Kolkata. 'Kolkata Winters' - this word draws an image in my mind , a very colourful one, and here I shall try to pick out those colours and give each one a life of its own.

As soon as the Diwali( Kali Puja to the Calcuttans ) and Bhai Phota's over, people of Kolkata wait for their favourite season. It comes tenderly by the end of November and brings along with it happiness and a chilling warmth. Days become shorter and nights become so long.

U wake up in the morning, step on the grass of your lawn, and you know that it's winter when the silent dews kiss your feet. Early in the morning , u can smell the heavy fog almost blinding your vision. Old and young morning walkers who otherwise throng the parks sleep peacefully, ignoring their health walk for once.

Our woolens and quilts which had been kept imprisoned for the last 12 months, in the dark depths of our cupboards and bed-boxes are given their share of annual freedom. They feel the warmth of the sun and are made ready for service. All the shorts are discarded and the pajamas are pulled out and we start looking bloated due to the woolens. Small children don their colourful woolen garments and make their way school-wards in a sluggish gait. The cart of the vegetable vendors during the winter looks simply picturesque. They are decorated with yellow, orange , green , violet and so many other colours.

Morning is greeted with a cup of steaming tea and the famous 'Kochuri & Alur Dum' from the nearby sweet shop. 'Joynagorer Moya' is another thing to die for. People wait for the winter primarily for this, I guess. Every house build up their own stock of the same and every time you visit someone, there's always one in your platter. In the villages, the smell of jagerry (Gur) fills up the air. Women in almost every house start boiling the date- juice (it's sinful i tell you), and start making the gur. They come to the city in earthen pots, their mouths sealed with flour dough and dry shaal leaves. The Bengali Babus bargain on their high price and complain about the purity of the gur. Winter brings with it, mouth watering dishes in each and every Bong house. 'Koraishutir Kochuri', 'Muli ki paratha', 'Notun Alur Dum' are few of them.

And soon the time comes for 'Pithe' - another sweet-meat of the bongs . I want to be born as a bong ever and ever again only for the 'Pithe' , if for nothing else. In every house , the Mas ,Kakimas and the Didimas make different kind of 'pithe s' - Patishapta, Sheddho Pithe, Gokul Pithe to name a few.

Short trips and long drives become common at this time of the year and the traffic increases manifolds. Our famous 'Maidan' gets busy greeting everyone irrespective of their social profile. The 'ghora walas' also have a nice time, with small kids having rounds and rounds of horse rides.

Picnics - how can I miss that ? The outskirts of Kolkata also get busy at this time as huge 'Bagan Baris' get booked for picnics- Office picnics, school and college picnincs, local club picnincs , re-union picnincs - the list is endless. The hired buses smell of oranges, boiled egg, cakes and bananas- a common breakfast for the picnic. Children, and sometimes adults bring out their rusted badminton rackets, which otherwise lay abandoned at one corner of the house attic.

And then comes Christmas. 'Park Street ' - the very first name that comes to my mind while speaking of Christmas of Kolkata. Adorned with lights , Park Street looks stunning as ever . The decoration has not changed its pattern for the last god knows how many years, but there's still some newness about it every year. 'New Market' starts looking like a Christmas Tree in itself.The christians of Kolkata throng the market buying Christmas tress, bells and Santa Clause models. It's all Red and Green, whichever direction you look at. New Market smells of vanilla . Christmas cakes beautify the old wooden shelves of 'Nahoum' - the oldest cake shop of the city.

And gradually , everything comes to a standstill on the eve of the next year. Before one can think of and jot down what one did on this present year, the latter bids us goodbye forever .And with a Bang steps in, the very fresh ,the very joyful , the very promising and above all the very mysterious "NEW YEAR".

Winter passes on like a flash of lightning . So many events, so much fun , so many colours, all pass almost in the blink of an eye. And before we even know it, its gone and we again wait for the next winter to come and paint us all.

A LESSON LEARNED THE HARD WAY

2009-11-16T20:17:00.000-08:00

I am very happy and relieved and this blog is nothing more than that ..

After waiting for almost 10 months , I got a job at a reputed MNC - level 5 company ...

Well for people who have no idea about what has been happening in my life for the last 10 months , let me brief you guys on it .

After my B-tech , I got a decent job.. I worked there for 2 years but then became a victim of the recession where thousands and thousands lost their jobs and I was one of them .
I was devastated. My credit card bills were almost a threat to my life. And then I had a loan to take care of ...But in those 2 years I made a huge mistake. I splurged my own hard earned money on every silly thing I laid my eyes upon . I threw party for friends , spent on costly dresses ,shoes, bags and god knows what not.

My dad and many of my friends kept reminding me of my loan , but i turned a deaf ear to all that thinking that i can take care of that later . I thought that , this is my first job and my only responsibility was to enjoy myself completely. And in the course i saved nothing in those 2 years ... I had squandered away almost 5.5 lacs in two years on party,food and other intangible nonsense.

But then 1 fine morning I realized that I no longer had my job which meant no more money. The banks started calling me up every other day for the payments and I was almost at the verge of losing my sanity ....
I started taking up tuition which hardly met my bare minimum...

My dad supported me to some extent as he wanted me to learn a lesson the hard way. But my boyfriend was an angel . He helped me a lot during that time . He took care of a huge portion of my expense and I shall never be able to repay him for what he has done for a bankrupt girl. But more than anything, he taught me how to use money wisely.

I spent days of humiliation and self pity .,.. It was a long wait .. I went through mental trauma , in habituating myself to the life which I had no idea of .. A life without shopping and luxury... But , then in the long run I understood the worth of money and what went into earning it.

Yesterday , after 10 months of long wait , I got a great job ... I was interviewed on the 14th ... It was a tough one and I had least expected to bag the job ..

But , I got it and now I have promised myself to use money wisely and set my priorities.

I dont know if my readers will like this blog as it is devoid of any spice. But this is a real piece from the toughest phase of my life and about a lesson learned the hard way .......

AM BORED :(

2009-11-02T23:50:00.000-08:00

For the last couple of days I am getting bored to death ... My life has seemed to boil down to a whole lot of nothing . My TV at home is out of order for quite some days now , and my dad seems least interested in getting it fixed. Not that I'm a TV buff , but when u have absolutely nothing to do and have no reasons for being unhappy, the TV is a great sink for venting out your stress.

You can increase the volume to the maximum,till you hear strange wheezing noises inside your head even when you are in some sound proof room. U can keep on surfing the channels - News,sports,cartoons, music channels(playing the chartbusters till you have learned them by heart), the boring Ekta Kapoor 'saans-bahu' soaps,the even boring reality shows which shouts out their fakery,but people still find them real(god knows why and how?),the CNBC share bazaar, the national geographic channels and then again back to News and the cycle continues till your fingers hurt from the constant pressing on the remote control buttons - small dents of your fingers on them.

I can't even do that at home . I am so bored of leisure now. I like being on my feet all day long nowadays.

Whenever (which is rarely) I have some work outside, I leave as early as possible and take the longest routes to reach places and come back home as late as possible.

I know that I am not making much sense, but i cant help it right now.I am BORED.

Now here is the list of things I have been engaging myself into for the last few boring days :-

Reading "The fountainhead by Ayn Rand"
Orkut - check out the recent updates.No one scraps me and I dont find it necessary to scrap anybody back. Log out in less than 5 mints.
Facebook- Ignoring stupid invitaions for raising cattle in some virtual farm. Find out my Date of the day ... Last time I got Paresh Rawal ...Logged out.
Blogspot - Check out for any latest comment on my blog. Get really pissed to find none.Log out.
Play Gold Miner.... for like 10 mints max.Lose concentration and lose the game. Exit
Try to write something for my blog. Lose interest .Quit without saving.
Make myself a cup of tea,drink it up in 5 mints.
Search through my storage devices for some movies. Watch 1 if I find any... That helps me spend some 3 hours ,provided I don't get bored in between and stop it.
Feed my ever hungry cat. Now that takes me ages ... Have to coax her to finish her food.
It's night already ... and with the book I dump myself into my bed and next day wake up to yet another boring beginning.

I really have nothing more to pen down . I am really bored and tired with my routine life and I want a change. I hope my readers have already understood by now , the frame of mind I am in .So bear with me please... Hope to come up with some nice blogs soon...

Till then - C ya !

The Song of the Sea

2009-10-26T09:34:00.000-07:00

“The sea returns whatever it takes from you “– that’s what people say. And that’s what Aman believed in the last days of his life.

Aman – 28 years old, a scholar from IIT and an MBA from IIM- A, had everything in life. He was smart, educated, rich, had a great job at a foreign bank, and was the most eligible bachelor in town. But above all, he had Avantika – his childhood love. For him, she was the most beautiful girl on the face of the universe. They were family friends and their relation dated back to almost more than a decade. It was the kind of love story which is written in Heaven.

“Avantika – short, plump and innocence personified.” Aman thought.

He sunk his feet deep into the sand and felt them escape through his toes as the waves retreated.

This was the very place where he saw her last, heard her voice for the last time, felt her warmth and smelled her tears. This was the place where he had promised her that they would meet again – in some other world …

The thoughts came gushing along with the waves. Each wave brought a fresh memory along with it, her contagious smile, her kohl eyes, her frizzy hair, her tantrums, her agony, her death.

“Huh!” Aman let out a deep sigh.

“How could I ever forgive myself?” he questioned himself.

Everything was the same. The sea, the coconut tress, the hotels, the star studded skies, the smell of dried fish – Everything but Avantika!

One mistake of his and things changed like day changes to night.

Aman was in USA for work. It was in the month of January, last year. He was almost freezing to death, with the mercury plumetting down to -13.

He picked up his cell phone and managed to dial a number with his numb fingers, which he felt had been cut off from his hands.

“Hey Aman!” answered a girl in an American accent.

Well, that was Christine, the only good friend cum guide, Aman made on his 3 months official tour.

“Hey yourself, Chrrr-istine” Aman stammered. “How do you guys survive here?” he asked.

“We drink silly, silly!” Christine jeered back.

“So, what are you waiting for? Come over to my apartment and don’t forget to bring the thing which keeps you guys warm” Aman stammered again.

That was it, a small private party, music, wine, popcorn, a movie and then - THE MISTAKE.

Next morning, Aman woke up with a heavy head but was still feeling warm. It was a clear morning. Christine was gone, but had left a note.

“Sorry Aman, it should never have happened.” The note almost shouted out the truth.

The entire night replayed itself clearly in his mind and Aman’s lungs filled with guilt. All of a sudden, he couldn’t breathe.

“Oh! Avantika” he gasped.

He picked up the phone and dialed her number.

“Hello” Avantika answered in her sleep.

“I love you baby” Aman said almost choking and fighting his tears back.

“Baby, its 2.00 am in India”

“Oh! Right, I just wanted to tell you that I love you”

“I love you too honey. I need to sleep, have an early morning presentation”

Aman tried to hold back his tears with all his might. He knew that Avantika had this magical ability to read his mind, even if he sat on some other planet in some other galaxy.
And under no circumstance, could he succumb.

“Good night, honey, see you soon” Aman switched off his cell phone.

That day, he decided that he would never mention this to Avantika. She would be shattered, and the thought of losing her was already shattering him to pieces.

“Ouch!” something pricked him.

A crab was biting his toe. May be even the crab was trying to bring him back to the present. Tears rolled down his cheeks.

“I have killer her” he shouted to the sea.

“I gave it to her, gave her the virus”

“Take me to her please”

He shouted at the top of his voice.
The sea seemed to respond back. The sizes of the waves doubled.

“Why did you take her away? She didn’t even know anything about it” Aman sobbed.

Aman clenched the sands in his fist with all his power. But, he was drained off all of it. The sand escaped from his hands, just like Avantika escaped from his life.

He was in the last stage fighting against the deadly virus. A year back he was detected HIV positive.

But he had already passed it to Avantika and pushed her towards death by then.

Aman plunged his hands inside his shirt, and slowly pulled it out - A picture frame.

Avantika was smiling through it as Aman was trying to make a funny face.

Her smile was infectious, he always thought. The smile which had swept him off his feet, which could make his heart stop beating, which became so difficult for her during her last days.

She loved the sea. She used to say that the sea had its special song for everyone and for every mood.

“Listen to the song of the sea” she would tell Aman during their happy days.

She wanted to die here – on this beach. That was her last wish

“Don’t let me die in a hospital room” she had pleaded to all.

“Please let me watch the waves, smell the salt, hear the song of the sea while I end my journey” she requested Aman, when he tried to protest.

And just before breathing out her last breath, she had shut all her pains in her eyes and just had one question written all over her face- distorted with lesions.

“Why Aman?”

He bowed his head and looked into the picture. A tear dropped on her smile.

“I hope you have forgiven me by now” Aman spoke through his tears.

“I’m coming to get you my baby” he said firmly.

He rested the photo frame, face down on his chest and lied down on the sand.

The waves washed over him……. The sea sang its last song.

I,ME,MYSELF

2009-10-23T10:20:00.000-07:00

This is the story of three friends – ‘I’, ‘Me’ and ‘Myself’ - Three inseparable souls at childhood. But then ‘I’ died of chronic depression and nothing was the same anymore.

Well, let's take you back to the time when 'I' was born. ‘I’ was this fair, cute bundle of joy born to a beautiful couple. ‘I’ was everything her parents wanted their child to be. She was smart, clever, cute, naughty, and adorable and every good thing you can think of. God seemed to have made her with great care.

Her parents gave her a great upbringing and were proud of the way she was shaping up as a human being. She had a heart of gold. She laughed with others in joy and cried with them in their grief. She loved to love and be loved back. She was a bundle of happiness and energy. Her mere presence lit up a party and was sheer bliss to all - family, friends and even strangers.

Her parents gave her all that they could afford - The best of education, the best food and the best dresses. She wore pink frocks with frills and laces and looked like an angel. A few American tourists begged her parents for a photo shoot with “I” on her first day out . They had never seen such an innocent beauty in their lives.

'I' met 'Me’ and ‘Myself’ when they barely started walking. They became very good friends as they grew older. ‘Me’ was smarter than 'I' in many aspects and 'I' kind of hero worshipped 'Me'. 'Myself' on the other hand was a bit shy. An introvert, she was scared of facing the world. She preferred ‘I’ to 'Me' for her innocence and simplicity.

In no time they grew up to become beautiful women.

‘I’ was the homely kind, who dreamt a lot with wide open eyes. She dreamt of a fun filled utopic world, one of those fairy tale existences where a prince charming would come and plant a true-love-kiss and sweep her off her feet to live happily ever after. She stayed away from discord of any kind.

'Me' teased her and called her Peter Pan.‘I’ was still this child at heart. She said that she hated growing up. 'Me' was smarter than that. She knew the rules of the world and abided by them. She wanted to reach the zenith of her dreams. She got a degree, fulfilled her own and her parent's dream and started working for a software firm. She chased and got what everybody wanted - Fame and wealth.

'Myself' was the slow and steady type. She took things gently at her stride. She cared more about what the rest of the world thought about her. She put more stress on other's opinions. She always wanted to live up to others’ expectations and hardly managed to succeed.

It was a rainy night when ‘I’, ‘Me’ and ‘Myself’ were having their tea. ‘I’ heard a puppy screaming on the streets. She rushed downstairs, almost killed herself, rescued the pup and brought it home. ‘I’s father was not an 'Awwwww, such a cute little dog' kind of person. No sooner had he set his eyes on it that hell broke loose. He ordered her to leave the pup at some local market, where it could fend for itself.

‘I’ didn't budge. She was perplexed. “Always show mercy on needy ones!”- her dad taught her when she was a little girl."Was that all for the heck of it?" she thought.

"Listen to your dad” 'Me' told her.

"You should always listen to your elders" joined 'Myself'

"Even if they are wrong?" asked 'I'.

"YES" chorused 'Me' and 'Myself'.

The young and unsure 'I' didn't have the audacity to fight against so many. She had to give in to her dad. And the puppy was gone.

It was too much of a shock for ‘I’. She loved her family and thought that parents were always right. But that day she woke up to another reality…The virtues she had learnt as a child could be a vice as an adult, she realized. It was a difficult transition.

“Everyday life virtues needed to be practiced selectively,” 'Myself' explained to her.

“You need to understand that the biggest virtue required for surviving in this BIG BAD WORLD is to know when to use which virtue, or if to use them at all...”

All these were too much for 'I' to understand.

She pondered, brooded and mulled over it. She even tried to change and become like 'Me'

or 'Myself'. But, she couldn’t.

Something had snapped within her and her health deteriorated overnight. She knew her end was near. During her last few days, she even refused to see her parents, she loved so much. She didn’t want to talk to 'Me' who had become too mercenary and practical. ‘Me’ somehow did not understand her anymore.

On her deathbed she only asked to see ‘Myself ‘. She whispered her last wish in her ears…

“Remember me always, not the way you want to, but the way I want the world to remember me."

“Remember me in the rays of sun

Remember me in bliss and fun

Remember me in an innocent smile

Remember me where there’s no guile”

And 'I' died.

'Me' forgot 'I' in no time. But 'Myself' didn't, rather couldn't. The last words of 'I' had made a great impact on ‘Myself’s life. She always tried to keep the essence of 'I' alive within her.

If you are wondering, who ‘I’, 'Me' and ‘Myself’ were, well let me tell you they all are the same. They are all a part of me.

'I' was, as I was born - The one who suffered at every juncture of life, and experienced devastation at the hollowness of life. That part of me which got torn into pieces, which no matter how hard I tried, “I” couldn’t get back together.

'Me' was the more practical me, as I grew older. Warped by the rules of the society, chasing the unknown whether I liked it or not. It was that part of me that willingly joined the rat race - That part which had to undo a lot of childhood learning in order to survive - The smug, selfish, self-centered creature born out of societal pressure.

'Myself' - hmmm.... Well it was a struggling remnant of 'I' – A part of me that grew up to fulfill the expectations of people who mattered. That part that tries doing things ‘Me’s way, but can never forget the 'I'. How can she ever forget ‘I’, the very reason of her existence? “I” will hopefully continue to live within her in the last vestiges of innocence and goodness buried deep in her in “I’s” fond memory.

BLATTODEPHOBIA - KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS ?

2009-10-14T22:58:00.000-07:00

There's just one thing, on the face of the universe, which gives me the creeps.

U can say, I'm just phobic to it. The small hairs, at the back of my neck stand erect, I almost stop breathing, thinking that even the sound of my breath can draw their attention towards me. The sound of anything fluttering, in no time, draws an image of them in my head. I am simply a maniac.

Oh! I haven't mentioned it , right ? I hate saying their name, as if it's an omen, like Voldemort.

COCKROACHES ..... I hate them to the point, where if I see one, I will not be satisfied until I know I have killed it( someone kills it for me, technically), and if I see one at night, I won't sleep until I know it's dead.

God! I simply get hysteric, if I get to locate one, even a kilometer away from me. I scream at the top of my voice, for help and can't budge an inch.I get glued to whichever position I was, before setting my eye on that beast. Once, when I was a kid, no one was at home, except me and a roach. I screamed for help so loud that my neighbors came to rescue me, thinking that some real disaster had befallen me.

There was another incident, which happened, not a long time ago. We were celebrating Holi at a friend's place. That too happened to be in Central Kolkata. I was taking my bath in the almost stone age bathroom. There, it was! On the door, looking at me, sensing me with it's antennae and warming up it's crispy brown wings for flight.

A cockroach, which too looked to have come from the Stone Age. It was fat, dark brown and almost the size of a pen-drive.

I was at the verge of a thrombosis. I called out for help from within as I couldn't reach the door, coz that horrible thing was sitting on the very bolt of the door. So, Aunty had to come inside and save me from it. She cought it with her bare hands and simply flushed it down the commode - It was that easy for her. I was standing there in a towel, devoid of all shame, soaked with fear from head to toe. I had grown numb.

Now, I teach this small boy. He stays in one of those crumbling houses of North Kolkata. The house is almost 200 years old and a habitat of almost millions of cockroaches. Every day I go there, and I stand outside, on the streets. From there I give the boy's mom a missed call on her cell phone. She comes down everyday, and escorts me upstairs.

I do this, as zillions of cockroaches move around at the entrance. It's like Joe's Apartment. They almost make me pee in my pants. I had even thought of quitting, but the mom won't leave me. She's dependent on me for her son's education. Yesterday, I almost drew out blood in her arms as she tried to shield me from the roaches. She acts as a human shield.

It's funny to people, that how can such a small insect scare a 5 ft6 " so much? Many think that I do this for seeking attention. But, it's me alone who knows what they do to me. I am even thinking of consulting a doc. It's abnormal, is it?

Everyday, I feel like bunking the tuition only because, I don't want to be subjected to that torment. They even haunt me in my dreams. God! i must have been one of them in my previous birth and probably had betrayed them.

Just, thought of sharing my fears with the world. If anybody out there have similar fears, and thinking of ways to work it out, do post.

I might have to leave for Mumbai for a new job. I have never been away from my family, from my guy. But they hardly bother me. The only thing that's bothering me is, what if I am alone in the house and there's a cockroach in my room ? Who shall kill it for me? No Dad, no bf, no Gramps =( .....

And trust me, it's cockroach alone that is delaying my decision and I am just a cockroach away from my dream career.

AGE IS JUST A NUMBER

2009-10-11T09:28:00.001-07:00

Well to start with - HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME =). I have stepped into 26 just day before yesterday.

Age has always been just a number in my life. I don't seem to grow old(mentally off course). Many of my friends have got married, some even have kids and few are waiting for their turn. But, I somehow feel that I am still that small girl of 15 or 16(not trying to tempt any of you there =) ).
My mom is almost fed up of asking me to grow up. She keeps reminding me my age, but like I said, age is just a number for me.

I really don't understand the meaning of growing up. I mean , how can someone grow up against ones will? I am probably like Peter Pan in Neverland - A mischievous boy who could fly and magically refused to grow up. I still like roaming around in my hot pants, love watching kiddy movies and adult issues seems to disturb my mental balance.

And I am so much in love with the kid, still alive within me. I cannot do away with it no matter how harsh a circumstances I am put into. I don't know if this is a disorder , but that's Me.

Now , let me give a small example. I used to work for a Software Company for the last 2 years (looking for a new job now). There, I was pretty sincere with my work. I was happy with the kind of work I was entrusted with, but the office culture didn't suit me. The people around me were so rude and cruel. They always tried to find faults with me and said that I still carried my college going attitude. I was so sick and tired listening to that crap. I used to feel alienated there among a host of so called grown ups.But, thankfully I had a group of friends there who were my partners in crime. =)

This year I had to pay a heavy price for getting old. Guess what? I didn't get any gift. Everybody around me is broke after the Durga Pujas. My boyfriend had skipped office and said that, that was my gift =( . I guess , grown ups think that way. My mom was busy with her work all day. So was Dad. So, we went out for dinner and that was their gift to me. I met my friends the day after and they too came without a gift. But moms are moms. She gave me 500 bucks to get myself a dress. And my boyfriend said that my gift is due for next month.

But, I think I am growing up too. I haven't squandered away the 500 bucks yet. I have saved it for paying off my credit card bills. Is this a part of growing up ? Knowing your priorities, getting more responsible towards life and not taking life for granted ? I guess.

I have somehow realized how important it is to grow up, when you are surrounded by so many, who wants to kill the child in you all the time. I am kind of prepared for this journey called life now.

So, Happy Birthday to me once again and Hey ! I am broke too right now, so this blog is my gift to my own little self who still refuses to grow up.

A LONELY MIND IN SEARCH OF DON'T KNOW WHAT...

2009-10-06T00:44:00.000-07:00

Hey ! This blog is exclusively for myself. I had got immensely addicted to blogging for the last couple of months.But, I don't know what's wrong with me , I just can't write anything anymore. I mean I am feeling so damn incomplete, without a goal in life, like an aimless rudderless boat.

A few days back, I had been on an errand for my mom to Rabindra Sadan(1 of the most busiest and buzzing places of Kolkata). I went by Metro. After having finished the work, I felt hungry. And, trust me , I did what I thought was impossible for me - I had my grub alone.

I could never imagine that such a day would come when I would me sitting at some eatery and gobble away my food. I cat never eat alone. I need somebody to accompany me. Sitting on a table of four, all alone, and having this queasy feeling that everybody's ogling at me while I'm putting that huge burger into my mouth was something which I literally dreaded until that day.

I was somehow feeling very lost that day. Wanted a change in life. In one word I was feeling frustrated. I walked staight into the eatery with a seating capacity of around 250, and there I ordered for an Iced Tea and a Veg Sandwich. I occupied the least visible seat in a secluded corner (probably meant for love birds). Tried calling up my boyfriend, so that atleast I could get some company over the phone. But, bad luck ! He was in a meeting :(

So had to have my grub all alone, seldom looking up from my platter and checking out who's checking me out, from the corner of my eyes.

I had devoured the sandwich in no time and I very much regretted my decision of trying to act smart.

It was time for me to come back home. I wasn't feeling like boarding the underground tube, was feeling kinda claustrophobic. Got on a bus and occupied a window seat. It was probably the best journey I'v ever had. The weather was lovely - cloudy and windy. I plugged the earphones of my cell phone into my ears and started the radio.

I was going through the same route that I take almost every day. But, it was different that day. Something had changed inside me. I was feeling happy all of a sudden. My city was looking so beautiful irrespective of the stench, the pathetic long signals, the litter and garbage. I started clicking odd photographs on my cell. Others who were travelling with me, probably thought that I had lost my mind.

And then, finally D moment arrived. It started pouring. The rain came down like a white curtain of water. There was 0% visibility. People in the bus started pulling the windows down. The conductor came to help me with the window, but I resisted. I was simply enjoying the rain. The water, cold and fresh was hitting my face with a pleasant force. After 1 week of unbearable heat and sweat, the city seemed to welcome the rain with open arms. And so did I.

I felt one with Kolkata. Not making much sense , am I?

I got down at my stoppage. It was raining cats and dogs. I walked all the way home - almost a kilometer from the bus stand. The FM station somehow can read our minds i guess. They were playing my favourite and the most apt song for the moment -"Mitwa".

Reached home completely drenched and happy.

This happened a week back. And I was thinking the best way to voice it out. But, somehow my happiness evaporated away with the rain and I was back to square one - dull and aimless. And, i was left with a huge void inside me.

I thought that, in this blog I'll be writing that I cant write anymore. But, whoa ! I have already written so much. This space never betrays me. Thanks !

THE UGLY FANGS OF THE CITY OF JOY

2009-09-28T23:45:00.000-07:00

All of ten, he had come to see the huge City of Joy, flooded with lights, adorned with beautiful and artistic ‘pandals’ at every nook and corner, with loud deafening music of Hindi movies on the streets. He had come with his rustic dad, who was equally overwhelmed by the sight of Kolkata’s magnanimity. The city seemed to embrace everyone, irrespective of their caste, social profile etc, with a warm smile and a loving hug.

They had boarded a bus, probably for the first time. For people who have no idea of the buses of Kolkata, let me give you a rough idea. They keep filling till you choke inside and people hang out of the doors like a bunch of monkeys. But luckily the boy and his father got themselves a much coveted window seat. The boy had wide open eyes and it seemed, he wanted to take back home the whole of the city - the fun, the noise and the essence, imbedded in his mind. He was collecting stories which he could share with his less fortunate friends who never had a chance to visit Kolkata.

The bus was filling up fast with people - ‘Urban’ and ‘Well educated’ men, women, children, all decked up and looking their best. There was already a commotion inside. To be able to stand still without being stepped on, or being hit by someone’s elbow seemed practically impossible. People gave cold stares at the rustic duo as they occupied the seat which otherwise could have been taken by anyone else…The local Miss India with her painted face, the middle aged mother of two, the elderly man in Kurta Pajama. But all these people were not lucky to get that seat and were somehow managed to stand still as the bus raced along the road.

Suddenly, the ‘little boy’ grew restless. “I want to throw up, I want to throw up,” he told his father. A more confused dad, completely unaware of the ways of the city, didn’t know what to do. Before he could think of anything, the ‘little boy’ threw up- And hell broke loose.

People standing close to them, waiting for their turn to take the seat were repelled as if struck by lightning. Immediately in a rippling action the pandemonium spread. It was a wild fire. One could hear a growing shuffling of the feet and groan and grunts from the far corners with the precariously hanging passengers nearly thrown out of the bus. A mini rampage set the whole place astir. There were stiletto jabs, elbow knocks, missing bags and broken finger nails. There were shrieks and cries and angry shouts from all over. The duo in their pool of yellow slush was the least of the problems but they were the villain of the piece alright. “Why do the buses allow such villagers who have got no civic sense?” shouted a middle aged man carrying a small girl of his own. “Hey you stupid oaf, jut the boy’s head out of the window. He’ll ruin our dresses,” shouted another woman.

The perplexed father couldn’t even comfort his terrified son. He had no clue what to do. He tried to push his little head outside the window to assuage the crowd. He was like Abraham trying to please the God. “Just put your head out,” he said with great annoyance. He was not angry with the child. He was unable to handle the indignity they were thrown into. He was just flushed and angry and humiliated and it showed in his face.

“No, daddy pleases … the wheels the wheels” was all the frightened boy could manage to say. His body was crocked up uncomfortably, his throat choking in the firm grip of his father. His face was smeared with tears, dirt and water. His new clothes were soiled. His father’s clothes were soiled too. He wondered if he was being punished for his vile act. In his meek voice, he simply told his dad, “I’m sorry, I’ll never do it again.”

He wanted to go back home to his mother, amidst his own people. He wanted to be pampered, to be asked thousand of times how he felt, to be offered some cold water and lime to make him feel a bit better, to be assured that “Nothing’s wrong, it’s absolutely OK.”

But to the contrary, things were so different here. Not a single soul had a kind and healing word for them. Everyone looked down on the ‘little boy’ as if he was some criminal. People covered their noses with their hankies. The women, who probably have mothered so many children, shouted the most. The Miss India made an act as if she had never witnessed something so horrid and would throw up herself. A man, all decked up, yelled “Get off the bus, you moron. People like you should not be allowed on public transports”.

They rebuked him, made him feel like a pest in the world full of colourful people who only physically resembled him and his hapless father.

Like frightened new born calf he shuddered now and then and sat glued to his father. They both seemed to seek refuge in the other. They seemed inseparable in their pain. All the excitement in the boy’s eyes had been replaced by awe and horror. He was stunned to see his city of joy suddenly reveal it ugly fangs and its gnawing claws.

I reached out and gave the father my chilled bottle of water for his son. But the ‘little boy’ refused to take it. I was taken aback. What must have that little soul gone through, that he refused water when he needed it the most?

He reminded me of my chartered bus trip to Digha when I was his age. We didn’t have a car at that time, so we were on a chartered bus – One of those old and rusty one which rattled each time it dropped in a pothole. I used to get sick in them Felt nauseas each time and would eventually throw up. My mom had tried all sorts of things to make me feel comfortable - Feeding me an hour before boarding the bus, stuffing me with antacids, not feeding me at all, feeding me on the bus etc. But nothing would help. I would inevitably feel sick at the smell of petrol and would just throw up.

Later my mother came up with this ingenious idea of carrying plastic bags for an emergency puke attack. She knew my fear of jutting my head out of the window in the National Highways with buses coming from opposite direction at the speed of light.

Puking till date makes me very uncomfortable. Memories of that day, memories of the pinched expressions on the faces of the co passengers have infused in me the fear of puking in public. If I am sick now I have to isolate myself completely from everyone even from my parents. And every time I throw up, I cry. I feel this strange, inexplicable pain within. My body seems to refuses to take part in the activity against gravity.

The little boy brought it all back. While others would have pressed ctrl alt del and forgotten that little incident the moment they got down of the bus, amidst the gaiety of the Pujas, I could not forget the pain in his eyes.

I felt ashamed of being part of the city people who showed no compassion to him and treated him like a dog. I felt embarrassed at our hollowness in the midst of the plenty we project. I felt guilty I couldn’t hold him and comfort him when he needed it most. What stopped me?

Cause for living

2009-09-23T21:11:00.000-07:00

My pet cat -Turi was running a fever for the last few days . I acted the doctor for some while but yesterday she stopped peeing completely and that scared me . She pissed once in the morning ,and it was syrupy and I have never seen a more yellow piss in my life.

She's lethargic .looks sad and lost . and sleeping 24X7 . I hate her this way . She should be running all the time ,spreading happiness every time I hold her ,tease her ,pamper her . But she was not even close to it .

I took her to the vet yesterday evening .I liked it when everybody present there went GAGA over her . She was certified as the most well behaved cat on the face of the earth . And undoubtedly she is .

She patiently sat there in the clinic for more than 2 hours until her name was called out . The vet took her temperature . For me it was kinda painful - shoving up the thermometer into the posterior .But she managed it well . After diagnosing her , she was asked to be put on saline .

My heart stopped beating . Saline???? what the F ? Turi couldn't be that sick .Was she ?

I called up Mom . She made it to the clinic on time . Thank God !

Then she was put on saline. She was meowing so hard ... It was hurting her and it was hurting me manifolds.

After 30 mints of ordeal I brought her home . She had this "Finally ,I'm back " kind of expression .She had her food after almost 3 days .Had normal pee . And slept peacefully .
She's ok now. recovering . thank god once again !
I have never felt so strongly for anyone till now ... Yesterday I understood what Turi means to me ..... She's my baby .

This blog might seem to be a piece of crap for many . But this is me ... An ardent animal lover .
I cant bear to see their pain , their destitution. And my heart always reaches out for their help .But I can do so little alone - Funding posing the greatest threat .At times I feel tired of fighting against so many oppositions - the biggest coming from my dad .I wish I had some more helping hands who would think alike and come forward to join me in this little mission of "Saving Animals from Misery " aka "SAM" =)...(named it just now)

So any fellow Calcuttan who seems to be interested in doing something more human , something we are actually here for mail me at sohinidas.s@gmail.com with the subject SAM .
Thanks in advance .I'll be waiting .

P.S : Please send in your suggestions about any NGO you know about through which I can help these poor souls .

Any kind of help ,no matter how small it is will be appreciated... Let's start with suggestions .

Bong Connexion

2009-09-20T22:48:00.000-07:00

Had a lovely day yesterday . Away from the so called sophistication , away from the malls which has become the latest fad now .Went to Minto Park with my boyfriend . Had some work there . Then we walked till 22 Camac Street .The scorching sun , the sweltering heat though uncomfortable seemed so pleasant after such a long time . There we avoided Westside and Panatoons .Instead , strictly stuck to the roadside stalls :)

Had a barf-gola (kala khatta) .... It was worth 25 bucks . I mean I'm so tired of having Baskin Robbins ,Gellatino and Kwality Walls swirls. They burn a hole in my pocket but somehow cannot touch the heart . My boyfriend who has this immense fetish for saving grumbled for having to spend 25/- on ice alone but then I knew that even he was enjoying the unconventional which strangely was so familiar and close to our heart.

Then we called another friend and decided to watch Angshumaner Chhobi at Nandan .

It was just 1.00 pm and the movie was scheduled at 4.15 . So we had to spend 3 long hours . So we took a cab till Nandan . Bought 4 tickets . Then we walked back till Haldirams.

Had our grub there . Cheap and filling =)

We still had 1 hour to spend. So me and my guy again walked till Emami Starmark . fidgeted with some books and then in an hour walked till Nandan again. But then 2 of our friends had arrived .

So we watched the movie. It was a nice movie .A bit philosophic but good.Nandan is a different experience completely . So much better then a multiplex but so much BONG .

After the movie we took a BUS till Park Street .From there ,we walked along the footpath . It was such a different experience after such a long time. From there I got the entire twilight series (pirated though) worth 450/- .

Beat that =)

My guy bought a fake Reebok bag worth 200/- . All of them had left the bargaining to me . I'm good at it ...

And then we were awfully hungry , so again from the Indian Museum we walked till Mac D -Park Street . Had Chicken Mac Grill and Iced Tea (its my fave).

And then we boarded the Metro and came back home . A day well spent but at the cost of terrific foot ache :(

We have become so rusted from within that now a walk gives us foot ache and non AC markets makes the mercury of our temper soar higher and higher . We all have become sophisticated bongs now . We think that a shopping not done at South City Mall is not shopping at all . We have completely forgotten places like New Market ,Park Street footpaths ,Gariahat,College street so on and so forth.

But these are the places where a BONG's heart will always be and always crave for visiting .

This one's for you Chand :)

2009-09-17T00:38:00.000-07:00

Today Chandni mailed me . Well for people who doesn't know her - she's my best friend. She's mad,adorable,crazy and she's every awful thing you can think a person to be. But she's my sweetheart .She is probably the only friend I have who lets me be what I am. I never ever had to mask my feelings in front of her. She's the most unselfish and honest person I have ever come across.

Our friendship is not a very old one. I met her in my college . She was in a different section . There was this buzz that theres this girl ,Chandni who's super brilliant and everbody would die to reserve a seat close to hers during the semesters. I didn't know her then personally . One day I asked a friend of mine to show me who this super intelligent gal was. Oh my god ! she was there . hair trimmed like a guy , full of facial hair , a bit plump ,short and stout .She walked with her head held high and the very first impression I drew about her was - Arrogant and haughty .

Then in our second year ,we happened to be in the same section . She was undergoing this transition phase in her life then . The woman in her was coming out gradually and the boy had taken a backseat . She was starting to look beautiful .Long hair , casual look , low waist jeans , a dirty rag bag and full of crappy accessories. I honestly never liked college because it lacked cool people. The guys and gals of our college , i mean 95% of them were bookworms.They used to come with heavy bags full of books and I never managed to find a single like minded person until I met my crazy bitch . :-) . So , basically i never spoke to anyone much. Not even to Chandni as I still harbored my first impression about her .

But one fine day , we exchanged smiles and then a few Hellos and before we knew it we started connecting to each other . And in a month we were friends .I realized that i was completely wrong 'bout her . She was the most down to earth person I had ever met . Then I understood that she never spoke to anybody as she felt the same like me . Even she had no friends in college .We were alike :) ... And soon enough we started freaking out together .We enjoyed each other's company a lot. She was the speaker most of the time and I was the patient listener .She was the comic character and I was the drama queen ... We somehow complemented each other. She had this huge potential of making me laugh all the time no matter how grave a situation i would be into.

I have loads of memories with her which i would have loved to pen down ...But this space is not enough . We locked ourselves in a suffocating 2 by 2 loo cabin full of shit to search for an answer from a book which we had hid there as we knew that no one would ever enter that HELL .
We were kind of deserted at my place during monsoon when it rained heavily for 4 days continually . My folks were at my aunts and even they couldnt not come back home . The city was all flooded. We literally thrived on my cooking skills :) .. there are many more such memories which are there in the album of my heart .

But then like all good things have an unpleasant turning ,this one too had 1 . Last month she left for USA for her Master Program . I'm very happy for her , for the decision she has taken . And I know that geographical distance can't diminish our frienship .But I miss her. I miss her in happiness and in sorrows. I wish I had her with me here as she was the only friend I had. And today she wrote to me .She's not happy there in USA . She can't concentrate and can't tackle the pressure .And she wanted me to write to her as I have always been her strength . It touched me immensely.I wrote her a long mail . I could feel her listlessness , her inhibitons . I wish I could be there with her . We could have made this journey together and wouldn'y have felt the fatigue at all .I gave her all my GYANS free of cost =) and I hope she gets a grip on herslef and lead a lovely life there .

Flames

2009-09-14T09:47:00.000-07:00

It's been a very tiring evening ... I went over to teach the small boy . He's got Maths test tomorrow - Division .. So i took a small test and he did well ... but was too slow .. I spent an extra hour with him to get things straight.. He's a small kid of class 3 ,so couldn't even rush .

Came back home at around 10 p.m . And was sitting at my PC for checking my mails . Suddenly there was this cacophony ... After checking out from the balcony saw that a building behind ours has caught fire .. People were shouting at the top of their voices.

Me ,mom,dad,my cat and our domestic help all went up to the terrace to catch a better view .
OMG ! I had never seen a deadlier site ..... The building was aflame . No idea if there's been any casualty .I hope not . The gas cylinders were bursting with huge , trembling sound .... The fire reached great heights and the black smoke curled upwards like a huge gaseous spiral .

The fire workers came after a couple of minutes , but by then i guess 75% of the damage had been done .Came down from the terrace after the fire was taken under control . My friend's mom expired a few months back . Her dress had caught fire while she was lighting candles during her daily worship . The flames reminded me of nothing but her face ...
What heights of pain she must have had endured for more than a month and then finally gave in ...

Through this blog of mine I just want everyone who reads it to spend at least 10 secs and wish Aunty happiness and peace where ever she is now ...
Pray for her eternal rest ....

Few Things I can't live without

2009-09-10T23:00:00.000-07:00

There are few very important things I can't live without .. U can say I am very possessive about them and can't share them with anyone ...

Thought that it will be quite interesting to put up on my blog . So here it goes =)

My cell phone - I'm blind without my Nokia N73 .
My computer with internet connection . I cant live a single non - internet day . It's like O2 to me .
My room . Wherever I go , whatever I do , coming back to my room is like Heaven .
My guy Soumya. I need him despite the fact that we are poles apart . I love him too much to let go of him . Nothing tops him .
My parents . Whatever I am it's because of them . I love them a lot.
My cat Turu . She's my baby ... To know more about her read my blog Turu-my-baby.
My dresses .Ha =) . I cant part with any of my fave dresses , no matter how old and dilapidated they are . I'm crazy about everything in my wardrobe .
Food . I can't share my platter with anyone . I would even go to the extent of killing if anyone even dares to touch my food . Specially if its a pizza ,a KFC Zinger burger or momos .Rest I can still spare some .
My watch . I check the time in my cell phone . But I am obsessed about my watch .
My collection of books . I don't share them with anybody .
My pillows . They are exclusively mine .
My collection of soft toys . I have loads of them .
My DVD collection . Still in the making .
My few good friends . I am too possessive about a few . And at times when they get close to someone else I go Grrrrrrrr...
Last but not the least - My space . I need my freedom more than anything else . I feel DEAD without my freedom .

Cleaning my closet ...

2009-09-10T10:15:00.000-07:00

I have grown up believing in fairy tales that my mom used to read to me when I was a little child .I always had this notion that ,there's someone made for me ... Some prince charming who would sweep me off my feet and I would live happily ever after . But with age , I realized that there are no 'Happily ever afters' in real life. I have been very unlucky in love until I met my guy a year back .

I still remember the day when my X walked out of the 5 year old relation which I was sure would work out . I was completely devastated and shattered . I thought that probably I would never be able to move on in life .But time is the best healer . It didn't heal the would at all . It's still fresh and raw .But it's been able to calm it down to a great extent . I was so very proud of my previous relation .Thought that it was perfect in every way . I loved my guy more than myself .And i guess he did too. But then gradually it started to wear down and finally gave up.

"I am not the commitment guy "- that was his reason for turning back on me . I really didn't find it necessary to reason out with him as i just knew that it was over. And then he moved on . But my closet was still unclean with the remains of the skeletons . I somehow was in kind of a haze.
I joined work . Got some real good friends there . And whatever I am now ,I owe it to those 3 friends who showed me the path ahead .They were there like my guardian angels .They probably still have no idea ,what they meant to me at that juncture of life.

I forced myself to live . For me Breathing alone was life .I had lost interest in every little thing . Everything was a show ,a forced display of the fact that I have moved on . I started suffering from self pity . Every second millions of relations die out , but I felt that I am the only unfortunate creature who had been subjected to this pain .

And then after a year ,Soumya happened .It was probably the most unplanned and unpredictable moment of my life . I never had imagined in the wildest of my fantasies that the quiet , bookish ,meritorious guy from my class would display his affections for me .That too ,I came to know that he had been loving me for all those 5 years when I was into my previous relationship silently and secretly.

When he proposed to me , I simply cried . I don't know what was I crying for ? Was it out of happiness or it had dawned on me suddenly that finally my closet was clean . I cried for the entire night. He took me in his arms and asked me to stop . But I had absolutely no clue what happened that night. 3 years of pain that I had kept bottled up within was finally giving way . I didn't know myself that I had so much pain inside me . That day I realized how much I loved my X . He was everywhere .I always had this feeling that he was there beside me but I couldn't touch him . We were separated by this thin invisible wall . But that night , the wall had broken and I realized that I was not yet over . I too had a life ahead and it could be nurtured again . Seeds of love could be planted once more .And i cried of sorrow ,happiness, relief .More than anything I cried for being able to move on .

Since then , we have been together . My X is there within me like a happy memory . A memory that I want to cherish all my life . A memory that will remind me of who I was for those 5 years of my life .And now I love Soumya dearly . I would not trade him for anything .I have just made myself understood that he's my destiny . We have nothing in common . We are poles apart , complete foil to each other . I guess that's the life support system of our relation .

Another 3 years and I am planning marriage . And hopefully i shall have a semi "Happily ever after " life if not a complete one . And standing at this juncture of life , when I got the love of my life ,I am happy and content with the way life is treating me ,I want God to give my X all that he had ever asked for .And even if a day comes when i finally start hating him , I am sure that the piece of me that he had taken with him the day he walked out on me ,would always wish the very best for him .

Finally I have my love with me and my closet is clean .... I have moved on :)

Turu - My Baby

2009-09-09T23:16:00.000-07:00

My Baby
----------

Little dirty beast

----------------------

Turu now

------------

Growing up
--------------

Just a few months old

-----------------------

I rescued her 3 years back from an abandoned house . It was raining like cats and dogs outside.The previous night I heard its shrill ,helpless cry .Mom asked me to go out and check out if she needed any help . I didn't bother . I knew that the moment I set my eyes on that little creature , my heart would melt and I would bring her home to safety . And the consequence would be Dad wrecking havoc at home ,threatening to bring in all the homeless and turn me out of the house . I don't blame him though . 25 years of my madness he's been putting up with .

So the whole night she went on screaming . And I covered my ears with a pillow . I didn't want to know that she even existed . The next morning it was still drizzling outside .I got up ,completely oblivious to her existence . And then after an hour or so , she started again . This time it was even louder and was full of pathos . It somehow hit my K-spot (Kindness spot) and I couldn't refrain myself . Dressed in a shorts and a T , I ran downstairs to check her out .

There she was - frail as a butterfly , wet as a sponge ,dirty as a rag .She had taken shelter in the balcony of this abandoned house .I summoned her .But she didn't budge . She seemed to be scared to death . She probably had seen death too closely .She must have been a month old .I was reduced to a combo of pity and kindness on the spot.

Inspite of calling her so many times , she didn't seem to trust me at all . And why would she ? It must have been some one like me ,who in cold blood had abandoned her on the streets .I managed to clamber up the railings .And then stretched out my hand as far as I could and got hold of the little tail .She struggled to free herself from my grip . She surely must have had thought that I was going to kill her . I jumped down and pressed her close to my heart . At that very moment a bond was formed . A bond of trust , faith , security . A bond of friendship .

I brought her back home . Mom gave her some milk . But she seemed to have lost her appetite . She seemed to have thrived on fear alone She was shaken to her very soul .All day she slept . She got up , drank a bit of warm milk and then slept again .The whole day she just slept . Probably she was trying hard to feel safe once again . Whenever she woke up , she would cry .Probably for her mom .Mom and I did all that we could do to make her feel at home and safe .

When Dad came home , it took him no time to turn into a blasting furnace. "You can't keep this thing at home " ,he yelled ." Leave her at the local market where she can fend for herself " .
But i was stubborn as well . Her eyes spoke a different language . I could hear her speak in human tongue . She pleaded to all of us "Don't abandon me once again ,please .I'm just a month old baby " ,she cried as if .And I made up my mind .

3 years it's been and now she's very much a part of the family . We can't think of our family without her . She's no more that frail little beast . But a fluffy , strong ,confident ,haughty lady .
She's the meaning of LIFE . She'e FAMILY .She's our baby - Turi.

The lonely mushroom

2009-09-08T07:13:00.000-07:00

On my trip to Shantiniketan last year I took some photos .Photographs of lonely creatures standing tall . This mushroom was one of them . This was the soul creature on a huge tree trunk on the premise of the great Rabindra Baharati University .

People were busy capturing the different houses built by Tagore ,the small children in bright colourful clothes under the scorching sun ,couples almost hanging on each other . Nobody even noticed this silly dull thing on this huge tree . It was staring at everyone , was smiling at the stupidity of people probably .May be it wanted to break free off the tree and join its friends .I watched it for quite some time .It seemed to me like a marvel of nature .I don't know why , but I felt sad for it .Somewhere it resembled me - Lonely amidst a sea of people.
I wondered if at times it felt depressed like me , it felt like voicing out so many thoughts that forms a complicated mesh in its head .

I continued staring at it unless my friend nudged me at my elbow . "What do you find so great about this mushroom ?" , he asked me . I didn't have an answer .I just smiled.I couldn't tell him that I see myself in it and it's not funny . Trust me , I would have been sent to an asylum straight away had I even mentioned it .

The rainy afternoon and the lazy me

2009-09-08T03:14:00.000-07:00

It's been raining for the past few days nonstop . I was watching Pink Panther 2 just for time pass. My pet cat has had her share of cat food and from what I can make out, has taken the shape of a mass of white fur ... in fact she's even snoring ;)

It's 3.45 pm now and the sky is gray . I haven't seen a touch of blue in the sky for the last few days.The met people are saying that its a depression which is causing these torrential downpours . Well who cares , I'm enjoying it .

My TV is out of order for quite some time now . So now this computer is my only source of entertainment u can say apart from my books .And recently I have grown this interest in blogging ,though I don't find much to write about.

I'v been stifling yawns for quite some time now which i guess is a clear indication that I need to take a nap. So long ..
Zzzzz.....

Why is there war around when peace is so beautiful

2009-09-07T09:28:00.000-07:00

I don't understand why do people like fighting so much ? I mean what do u actually gain through a war ?Death of the innocents , destruction of property ,bankruptcy etc. Give me one good outcome of a war ?

We humans are supposed to be the most advanced of all the living beings .But what is the use of being so when we cant make out the good from the evil ? People start fighting from such an early age ... Children fight about their belongings and when they grow up , the craving for power also increases.Adults fight about so many issues .Money ,fame , power being a few of them .

Lovely minds, cities , countries , nations - every little and big things are destroyed to the very core and the outcome is nothing but destruction . I really at times get clueless about our life !!!
All of us here have a purpose - a distinct motive . Why cant that b PEACE and LOVE ?

I am so damn frustrated with this kind of life , where we fight for every single thing . Be it a seat in a bus or a seat at a parliament .. Nothing can be achieved from peaceful negotiation , is it ?
Look what war can do a city ?
Which one looks better ? We the supposedly intelligent race is breaking the world into pieces and still it does not occur to us that our actions can actually boomerang back at us .
I plead everybody to STOP ! It's been enough for Christ sake .. Stop thinking about our own selfish needs and let's place ourselves in others shoes .Lets think about others before thinking about ourselves and make a difference in the lives of the mass.
Every drop of water was important while the ocean was being formed.Likewise , every small good deed by an individual can make this world,which is going to the docks , a much better place to live in . A place where people can smile freely without having a seed of fear and hatred growing within into a giant tree of violence .
Think about it .It's worth a thought ....

Good Bye Chand

2009-09-06T23:48:00.001-07:00

You are leaving the town
But our bond will be as it has always been
With time I hope it gets even stronger
Let geography not come in between

You shall always be with me in spirit
Coz you are my only friend
I'm broke at present;Sorry couldn't buy you a gift
So through this all my love and good wishes I send

Enjoy your life like there's no tomorrow
Forget your past ,your losses and sorrows
But don't you dare forget me there
Coz even you know that I'm your only friend who cares

So with a tear and a smile ,i bid you good bye
I cant promise you that I won't cry
But please bring me a gift when you come back
So long , Good Bye n Good Luck !

Happy Valentine's day - For my love

2009-09-06T23:43:00.000-07:00

Frank Anthony Public School, in the year 2001

My first day in 11 Science, and there I met someone

He was the monitor of the class and soon we became friends

It is the beginning of a Story that was written without an end -

Written by God himself; with us He played a game

He made us meet and made us part

But kept the bond the same.

School got over, he left the town

But somehow we kept in touch,

Through Seldom calls and online chats

But we never saw each other much.

And then fate brought him back to town

At a friend’s wedding we all came down

There after 4 long years again we all met

And there we planned a little trip; I guess it was preset

16th August-it was D day

When I first saw him going out of his way -

To tell me how he felt for me for all these 5 long years,

I was stumped and could hardly speak

My throat was clogged with tears

Since then, till now and for years to come

I know that he's my and I am his 'Chosen One'.

So this is our little story and a great way to say –

I love you dear; you are very Special and –

“Happy Valentine’s Day “

*************************************

Would You ?

2009-09-06T23:42:00.000-07:00

Would you still love me dear
When I'm no more in your town ?

would you still wait for me
Until the sun sets down ?

Would you still buy me dresses
When I'm left with no penny ?

Would I still be your one and only
Amongst your friends so many ?

Would you still come to see me
While I'm down with a 104 ?

Would you still be the first one to wish me
On my B'day when I open my door ?

Would you still hug me tight
When I'm upset and down ?

Would you still do anything to cheer me up
When I lose my smiles and frown ?

Would you still think of me
While you'r ready to go to bed ?

Would you still get mad at me
When I try to do something and screw things up insted ?

Would you still fight with me
About small and silly things ?

Would you still pretend to not hear me
When I talk about my wedding ring ?

Would you still wish to have me
As your lawfully wedded wife ?

Coz I would still be loving you
For all my God damn life .

I would think of you daily
You shall always remain in my heart.

As long as I love you
Even death can't do us part.

I'm going because you ask me to
But my love shall stay with you ,

I'm just afraid that you would forget me
So I'm asking - Would you ?

What u made of me

2009-09-06T23:33:00.000-07:00

Together we spent splendid moments
Moments of love and care
Together we grew up in love and life
A single life we both shared

Then there came a moment
When a chill crept between us
U started despising the word 'Together'
It became u and me - and no more 'US'

U stayed away from me for days
And days counted to years
A foolish me and ignorant as i was
Bore it all with tears

I thought of u daily
U were always there on my mind
I tried bringing u back somehow
But the old you i could no more find

Finally u said it , the 3 grave words
The words that ruined my life
They turned my life upside down
And cut through my heart like a knife

You no more wanted to be a part of me
And wanted a life of your own
You said 'You wanna quit ' and broke my heart
As if it was made of stone

You ousted me out of your house
And i didn't know where to go
I stood there alone with tears shut in my eyes
Drained of all strength for any further to go

I lost my faith , i lost it all
My smiles faded away
And now it's an act of happiness
That i manage to put up everyday

Alone r we ?

2009-09-06T23:06:00.001-07:00

Life so full of so many things ;hardly any time for socializing , family , friends and above everything ourselves. Everyday we meet so many people starting from home to office/college/school and back home.But in this huge ocean of similar breeds we are sill alone.Today we have relatives ,friends,well wishers .But think of it , if a day comes when you are left with nothing -wealth,fame,looks; nothing at all ,are you still going to have everybody by you ?well the answer is obvious .a big 'NO".
when we dont have someone to love us we crave for one . we think that we are lonely. we feel jealous whenever we cross happy couples walking hand in hand.we curse god for not giving us a shoulder to lean on , a hand to hold ,someone special to love.But no sooner than we get the special person than we start feeling choked .
i have seen so many relations.the time they are born they are probably the most heavenly thing on the face of the earth . but very soon they breathe out their last breath and fall dead.the girl complains that 'He didnt give me enough time' and the guy complains ' i hardly had any time for myself'.And again both gets lost in the crowd of zillions as 'Lonely'.
at times i feel that more than desiring to fall in love , we desire to fall out of Loneliness.we fear to stay alone .we are scared that at times of solitude, we might come face to face with 'OURSELF' by the true sense of the word and that's going to be tough .
we like living for others .we love to please others before pleasing ourselves. thats what we have turned ourselves into . its like the least of all the things we love is 'US'. And since we cannot love ourselves , we cannot love others as well . but thats what we want . we want to love others and want to be loved.
Everyday we meet our friends , hang out whenever we find time , but as soon as the day wraps up a gloom encircles our life . at times i feel that its like the Dementors of Harry Potter. They suck out every lil good feeling from us .we sulk all the time cribbing about things we dont have.
singles sulk about loneliness, couples complain about each other and wish for a more free life , students crib about education and thinks how good it would be to be working , corporates crib about life in Office and how good were those school days(mind it they are the ones who ones cribbed when they were students) . so u see "THE GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE"...
Today more and more people are suffering from the same disease and that's FRUSTRATION . theres no remedy for this disease . No doc can help a frustrated mind.only oneself can help .
When i sit back at home , i get bored . i feel alone ,crave for company , always feel like moving out of the house , hang out with friends.when i am at office just the reverse happens .i get tired of talking to people . i get tired of company and long for a lil space i can call exclusively mine and the first name that come to my mind is - HOME .
so u see we human beings are never satisfied . and this sense of dissatisfaction is the main cause of our loneliness.we are somehow getting lost within ourselves. we are so afraid of coping up with loneliness that we are ready to embrace slavery in any form .when we cannot think of living our own life , we start living for others. just to escape loneliness.
i know that all that i am writing will probably make very lil sense .but there's so much within me and trust me i fail to construct my inner voice into properly arranged english sentences.

2009-09-03T21:52:00.000-07:00

Watched 'Aranye Din Ratri' a few days back . Whoa ! i was simply bowled over ... How can ne 1 make a movie of that kind , a movie so not like a movie .... Its the best movie ever made by Satyajit Ray ...

I still go weak in my knees at the very sight of Soumitra Chatterjee (he's my grandpa's age) ... And he looked simply stunning in that movie ... AT times i feel that bengali actors of such calibre should have got the recognition they deserved . I mean Amitabh Bachchan's name is known by every one under the bule sky . They should watch Soumitra ,Rabi Ghosh ,Uttam Kumar .... Man it was some movie ...

The movie was about 4 friends from Calcutta who goes on a trip to the jungles of Palamau .. they want to break all ties with civilization .Rabi Ghosh (aka Shekhar) burns a Statesman and says that they no longer have any connection with the civilized socielty ...

The tribals of India are so deprived . they live in utter poverty ... They have no idea of the developements that's taking place around them , in the very land which they are a part of . and out of this sheer negligence and deprivation ,terrorism takes birth ...

Satyajit Ray has potrayed this in such a subtle manner ... Soumitra bribes the poor caretaker of the forest bunglow to get themselves a room as they had no prior reservation and thanks 'Corruption' for succeeding in persuading the caretaker .

Our generation goes GA- GA over movies like 'Dil chahta Hai '.But with all due respect to Farhan Akhtar ,'Aranye Din Ratri ' is the father of the former. it is also based on the lives of 4 guys but it delivers a message ,shows the real India and the real Indians (poor and deprived -budding terrorists) ...

If anybodu reads this blog of mine I request the same to watch the movie ... It has Eng subtitiles for non bongs to follow ....

another memorable trip

2009-08-26T01:24:00.000-07:00

had a blasting weekend.. went to Mandarmani on friday . never seen a more beautiful beach .. it was a long stretch of sand and water and i was simply taken aback ... didnt have a clue that 4 hours drive from home , we had heaven on earth .

It was my second trip with my BF , the first being the 1 where he actually proposed to me . and i was very excited .though he's not at all romantic ,being close to him and living like couples for 2 days without any kind of intervention made me happy .. I'm so surprised that how such small things make me so happy .

two other friends Saurabh and Raj went along and it was a great trip . The first night we boozed like sponges . I was totally high and have bloody no idea what did i do . But according to two of my friends i made a scene which i sorta regret .

my guy couldnt hold his drink . he puked and had a chest infection and fever for the next 2 days and instead of having some cozy moments together , i actually nursed him while he slept throughout .although i dnt regert that . i guess thats what makes love stronger .

2009-01-14T23:08:00.000-08:00

God this is so disturbing ...I have no idea what to believe and whom to believe .I just have one good friend(wont mention the name_Letz say X) .I trust X so much , confide in X everything .And the kind of person I am ,I expect X to be the same with me.
But people around me keep telling me things about X and I'm just not ready to buy any as i know that X can never be wrong and X never feels the need to lie to me for any good reason.Once a person who was once very close to X had told me that X is a lier and that even I am not precluded from the list .I had almost fought with that person in the course of defending X.
But then another very good friend of mine witnessed few uncomfortable moments when X was around.And he poured into me as if he was suffering from tremendous acidity and it was absolutely urgent for him to throw up .
And now under many circumstances ,i find it difficult to hold on to my trust .I feel that may be I never tried to see through X and discover the actual person X is .It is troubling me as I dont want to find anything wrong about X .
I would loved to be proved wrong as X is the only friend I have.

2009-01-07T00:36:00.000-08:00

Well theres nothing much to write today . Soumyadeep got selected for Commonweath Scholarship and I am the happiest person on the face of the earth.He really deserves it .I just want to fast forward time to the moment when everything will get fixed about my going to UK and finally I shall reach the International Terminal to board my flight to London . I can literally smell the luggage and my mom's tears .

I am so looking forward to moving out of here ASAP.There's nothing over here . I mean India,specially Kolkata will always hold a very special place in my heart . But I think India is not the place where i should be right now . I need to learn a lot , explore a lot . I am so damn bored with my monotonous life here.
Well thats all folks . I have nothing more to write now .So long . BBye . Cya

2009-01-05T22:05:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone , its been some while since i last penned down here.Well nothing eventful was happening in my life so long. 2008 ended on a sweet and happy note . Along with my friends i dined out . Booze was prohibited for me for my Diabetes. Then we came down to our favorite and monotonous halt CCD. There after having quenched out thirst for caffeine, we went to City Centre . There the countdown began and we bid farewell to 2008 and welcome 2009 . Then from there all of us(8 in the group including me) came down home and then guess what ...'SLEPT' ....

Thats it .Dont know why , but for some reason I am feeling frustrated for the last few days .I am having a feel as if I am leading this black and white life completely devoid of any colour. I dont like it .I am fun loving person . I want to be surrounded by love,laughter , fun and frolic , colours everywhere . But something important is missing in my life despite the fact that I have everything.

Why am i feeling like this ?I have a lovely guy in my life , who loves me a lot and i love him too .But may be this attitude problem that he has is troubling me . I at times cant take in the constant 'NO's and the 'DO WHATEVER YOU LIKE' attitude. It's so strange that we women always have to live by the whims of others . It's disgusting at times.

I love my guy a lot . I mean i can possibly do anything to see him happy . But there are few things which i have kinda pictured in my mind , the day we started this journey together . And now that at times dune to many tiny- piny reasons when my preconceived image does not match with the real picture , i lose it .
I feel so depressed . I literally go into depression and there is absolutely no one whom I can share my thoughts with . So i pen it down over here , irrespective of the fact that no one reads it..

I hope to have happier times ahead once I go to UK . Things probably will be different there . I'll be having new friends , new place , a completely new world for me .I have never stayed away from my folks , so in that way it will be kinda learning experience for me and i can get to know a lot more about myself. I dont know . i think I am just a bunch of confused emotions and I dont know what is best for me ....

Anyways a lot for today . see u l8r. bye

My Poem

2009-01-05T22:02:00.000-08:00

WITH LOVE TO YOU

It’s never been easy for me

To find words to describe how I feel

But I managed to scribble these few lines to let you know -

That I love you too much to let you go.

U gave me a reason to live again and smile

I had been living a lifeless life for some while

But you came into my life and showed me so much light

That I can see with my eyes tight shut – as you've become my sight.

There was darkness all around me and I was cold,

I craved for a loving touch, but there was none for me to hold.

Then u popped into my life like my guardian angel,

And POOF! My miseries vanished like u had cast some magic spell.

U held me tight, and I felt strong

With u by my side, nothing could go wrong.

You are my hero, you are my man

I'd die to see you happy; I’ll do all the best I can.

No matter how much we fight; afresh we can always start

Cuz I need you despite the fact that we are poles apart

So forgive me for all the wrong I do,

This is my firts poem – WITH LOVE TO YOU.

~Sohini

I miss you :(

2008-11-18T00:57:00.000-08:00

Yesterday i was diagnosed as diabetic.my blood sugar level has supposedly shot up and i have become sweeter than required .My doc made a diet chart for me which i am supposed to follow strictly and mom has already started getting mad at me regarding that. i am completely forbidden from having FAST FOODS - how I'll miss KFC,PIZZA HUT, SUBWAY,CCD so on and so forth.Gosh ! Y me ????????? there are so many people of my age hogging all these away to glory , but its only me who have to pay the price.Its disgusting . At times I feel that God's picking on me ... Somewhere up there he's playing a game where he has to spot me whenever i am happy which i seldom am.My parents are very worried for me .My boyfriend looks worried and sounds quite rigid when he asked me not to have any outside food. But look at me ??? I am suffering ! They say that before i go for my Visas , during the medical check up , if they find that I am diabetic , my visas as well might get cancelled.. :( Gosh !!! i am scared only because of this .. i mean life is now less important than my going to the UK for my PG. Life here has kind of become static.theres no movement . same thing everyday .. right now i am sitting in office and have nothing to do... spending a lazy aftenoon brooding over my newly formed disease . and hey guys , i know that my blogs are not interesting at all but if u guys by any chance happen to go through them , kindly leave a comment behind.

2008-11-14T00:57:00.000-08:00

Y am i having this feeling all of a sudden .. nothing around me looks pretty to me .nothing around me seems to make me happy . I am frowning all the time. is it because i am being forced to kill the child in me ?

The society does not value innocence and simplicity.If you try to be honest, you are pushed light years away from the desired result and eventually you take refuge of lies .If you are simple and treat people well , u are almost breaking the 11th commandment by expecting people to treat you the same way .Corruption , dishonesty,impoliteness,shrewdness have become the key to success now.if u want to be in the good books of people , you cannot afford to be the person you are .Instead you have to be the person ,people want you to be and eventually they turn u into.

I am so god damn disgusted with the way things work in the society.
i always took pride in the fact that in spite of being 25 , i have been able to keep the child alive within me. I always thought that a smile can set everything right . But people around me prove me wrong .And it's really paining me every time a part of that child in me is giving up the ugly fight against the so called mature and 'GROWN UP' world and breathing its last breath.

I am forced to be what i am not , and in the course i am losing all interest in everything i am doing.Only few good friends and my family loves me for what i am. And i know that that's enough .But then why do i seek out to win hearts of everyone I come across?I always want to spread happiness and love everywhere i go and i want to be loved back.But I have found that in today's age when even men are having robots for their better halves , LOVE holds absolutely no meaning.People does not want to be loved . Everyone just wants to get their job done .That's what we call CIVILIZATION.So ironic it is.

I really don't know if anybody is reading all that i am writing and i really don't care if I am being able to entertain anybody.There are times when words fail you and you boil down to nothing but a mesh of confusion,dissolution,depression and all sorts of negative emotions.
So kindly bare with me readers. May b with time , once i get rid of all the bitterness inside me , even I'll come up with lovely heart touching Blogs. till then -Good Bye

My first disorganized blog

2008-11-11T07:04:00.000-08:00

everybody said that the book 'The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari' by Robin Sharma is a piece of shit on self improvement and so all these days i restrained myself from reading it . but then curiousity got the better of me and i finnaly bought the book .Have read almost 50% of it and know what i am actually liking it . i feel that each one of us should read the book .

i am really learning a lot from the book .but there are few things in the book which i think even though 100% correct is impossible to practice. its easier said than done .there they ask us to do whatever we feel right and are really passionate about.But is it really possible ?i mean i am a software engineer . passed out last year and have been working for the last 1 year. and trust me , i dont like my job at all as theres hardly anything to do.the work is so damn clerical.i want to do something more challenging and meaningful.but theres absolutely no scope for it.Office sucks big time.there's no appreciation for everytime you do something good and potray your potential , but no one will even think twice before critizing and rebuke you for a trivial mistake you make.

at times i feel like running away to the greens. i want to stay amidst nature , away from the hustle and bustle of the city . i feel that the city is very cruel . the grey smokes and the noise takes the form of a GREY monster infromt of me .i feel fatigued all the time as more than half of the time i do things just for the sake of doing it . i go to office as i know that i have to work . but i dont enjoy my work . i feel that had i worked at an animal home , looking after stray animals , nurturung them , helping them out i would have been much happier.

but in India , theres no scope for such a thing . u cannot make a living that way.

This is my first Blog , so i am not very comfortable writting it .may be with time and more blogs i'll get the habit of writing a much more oganized blog.